So…our attempt at a holiday was cut short by me developing a large bowel obstruction. Ten days of pain, an overnight hospital stay, a CT scan and a summons back to Melbourne.
I’ve been in hospital since we arrived back on Wednesday. I have to confess that I cried with relief when I first climbed into the waiting bed at Peter Mac. It’s such a caring environment and not having to retell my diagnosis etc is a huge relief.
Unfortunately, the surgeons were unable to fix the obstruction with another stent. It turns out that my pesky bowel tumour has grown through the existing stent causing the obstruction. Which leaves me with a (hopefully temporary) bag.
To be honest I’m struggling with the concept a bit. I’ve been lucky in that my cancer has largely been invisible. Sure, my hair has thinned and I have a few more scars and bruises but I mostly look fine. I don’t have to confront my diagnosis every time I look in the mirror.
That has now changed- I have this thing attached to me- and it is gross. For the first time I do feel diminished by cancer. I feel revolted by the whole thing, nervous about dealing with it and just yuck. I keep reminding myself that I am here with my baby Violet, not dead, actually doing really well and that a number of the people I’ve met online since my diagnosis who have since died would be thrilled to have been able to make this trade off. So I need to get used to it and move on. And I will, that is what this cancer has taught me – I can get used to almost anything.