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Long time between drinks

It’s now mid May. Finally properly autumnal and cool. I remember at diagnosis last August being seized with horror by the thought that I might not see another Autumn. Well here I am – one more of those #alternativemilestones. 

I’ve been very ill since I last wrote – severe pain caused by my primary. We’re looking at it coming out on 10 June but this is dependent on the liver mets being controlled by SIRT. I haven’t had chemo for over a month and I’m frightened. It’s hard not to imagine the cancer cells creeping around causing trouble. 

The other week I watched an Australian Story on Danielle Tindle a young woman with a rare cancer whose treatment is not subsidised by the PBS. She made a comment along the lines of feeling she was too vital and lively to die. That’s how I feel. I simply cannot believe that I will cease to exist. But factually liveliness and vitality are no protection against death. 

And if I’m not here then Violet’s impressions of me will need to be formed by the words of others. But we’re all so hard to describe. Some might say I was lively, nice, or clever, or maybe even funny. All such empty words in trying to describe a human being with all their quirks and flaws. I hope beyond hope that I will be here and she will know who I am. 

She turns 1 this week. 

 I love this photo from her baptism. It sums her up perfectly. Excuse my seediness – I was on day release from hospital.  

4 thoughts on “Long time between drinks

  1. I’ve no words really. But if you were with me I would give you a hug, hold your hand and stroke your hair.
    Violet is divine xx

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  2. Caitlin, I am always struck by your vivid and compelling account of your cancer, but also your wonderful lyrical writing. That baby is seriously gorgeous and is clearly thriving.
    I live on the Sunshine Coast and came across a playgroup here for parents (Mainly mothers) with cancer who have young children. I realise the location is not helpful but wondered if you might want to make contact in case it is of support to you? Nicole@sputnik.net.au.

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