Cancer · Faith · Hope · Uncategorized

Nevertheless she persisted 

My parents considered naming me Faith. However apparently they looked at me post birth and decided I did not look like a Faith. And so Caitlin it was. Not my favourite name but very much the least of my problems.

Perhaps the fact I didn’t look like a Faith was telling. Despite identifying myself as a Christian for many many years I have much in common with the great doubters of the bible- Thomas, Job’s friends  etc. I’ve also never found a church home where my values aligned enough. But despite this it is something that I cannot let go of – an underpinning belief in a creator God and a personal one at that. It’s a low level murmur running through my life. 

Interestingly I’ve found it impossible to pray much, especially for myself, since my diagnosis.  I don’t know why but I hope my tears and worries are serving much the same purpose. 

My diagnosis has changed my viewpoint on things. I am now very clear that there is no inherent value in suffering. If there is any value it is what we manage to find and eke out. To discover within us amazing wells of persistence and energy. It’s an active process, not a passive one. And it is tiring. 

I’m very tired at the moment, physically and mentally. I’m in the middle of cycle 25 of chemo and I think some of the toxicity is starting to build up. Next week mum and I are heading to a health retreat for a few days for massages, yoga and reiki. I’m so excited. 

Then one more chemo cycle, scans and I have five whole weeks off chemo (pending okay results). I cannot tell you my level of joy – the prospect of five weeks of not feeling sick for 3-4 days of every 14 and seedy for at least another two. Dave will get his wife back and Violet her mummy. 

3 thoughts on “Nevertheless she persisted 

  1. So glad you shared your blog today (yesterday :)). I’ve been reading all your posts – recent and not so recent – all I can say is wow, I’m so glad I did… And thank you! Thank you so much for being so inspiring and strong and positive and uplifting. Really looking forward to meeting you properly soon – you’re absolutely amazing. Xoxox

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  2. I can identify with a lot of the things you said about your faith. I don’t really know what to say, but if you are comfortable with it, I will pray for you. For what it is worth, I like to believe that thoughts, tears and worries do serve the same purpose. It is through those that we truly bare our souls. I have a little girl named Violet, and I hope and pray that you, your husband and your little Violet are able to spend some time together with you feeling well during your chemo break.

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