My parents considered naming me Faith. However apparently they looked at me post birth and decided I did not look like a Faith. And so Caitlin it was. Not my favourite name but very much the least of my problems.
Perhaps the fact I didn’t look like a Faith was telling. Despite identifying myself as a Christian for many many years I have much in common with the great doubters of the bible- Thomas, Job’s friends etc. I’ve also never found a church home where my values aligned enough. But despite this it is something that I cannot let go of – an underpinning belief in a creator God and a personal one at that. It’s a low level murmur running through my life.
Interestingly I’ve found it impossible to pray much, especially for myself, since my diagnosis. I don’t know why but I hope my tears and worries are serving much the same purpose.
My diagnosis has changed my viewpoint on things. I am now very clear that there is no inherent value in suffering. If there is any value it is what we manage to find and eke out. To discover within us amazing wells of persistence and energy. It’s an active process, not a passive one. And it is tiring.
I’m very tired at the moment, physically and mentally. I’m in the middle of cycle 25 of chemo and I think some of the toxicity is starting to build up. Next week mum and I are heading to a health retreat for a few days for massages, yoga and reiki. I’m so excited.
Then one more chemo cycle, scans and I have five whole weeks off chemo (pending okay results). I cannot tell you my level of joy – the prospect of five weeks of not feeling sick for 3-4 days of every 14 and seedy for at least another two. Dave will get his wife back and Violet her mummy.