We are currently waiting for the call from my surgeon to tell me if the liver surgery can go ahead next week. Given it is past 5pm, I suspect we won’t find out until Monday. Which will make for a long weekend.
This period without a concrete plan has been very hard for me psychologically. The uncertainty of the next months is taking its toll. It’s very hard to live constantly in the moment. By our nature, we look forward. Since my diagnosis I have been able to look forward to a degree – usually to a few months at least. But this feels like a different ballgame. I keep catching myself planning or looking forward to something, even something as simple as ‘should I buy this skirt” and then being chased down by thoughts along the lines of ‘what’s the point, you won’t get to wear it”. It’s not fun.
While the surgery is most certainly my hope, it will be risky. It is possible that I won’t leave the hospital if my liver remnant packs it in. I am madly trying to finish crocheting a blanket for Violet in case the operation goes ahead. I really want her to have something I have made for her, something tangible. I’ve been thinking lately of the Maya Angelou quote: people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. It comforts me that while she won’t remember me if this operation kills me, she may remember how I made her feel.