A strange concept to most, but something that I’ve been thinking quite a lot about over the past few years.
I’ve always had a tendency to jealousy and envy and a desire to be the most favourite. It is one of the things I like least about myself and has caused me much unhappiness, particularly when I was younger.
Cancer has given me a funny opportunity to explore this tendency. In part, it has resolved much of my angst about it – the love and care given to me by so many has soothed this funny little bit of my soul. I think often of the Raymond Carver quote:
In some ways though it has exacerbated it. Although I try not to, I think about the fact that if I die, David will likely re-partner and someone else will get to enjoy my house, my husband and my child. I struggle hugely with this thought – jealousy and sadness on an epic scale. Of course, I rationally want David and Violet to be much loved and looked after, but ideally by me. I do not foresee a time where I feel okay about this. So I mostly park it. It is as it is and it sucks.
Another aspect of envy that has reared its head in cancer land is the twinge that I feel when I see someone else has reached No Evidence of Disease (NED). Immediately and without fail a small inner voice cries out – “what about me? It isn’t fair”. Like having a tiny Shannon Noll living inside me. And He’s right – it isn’t fair.
However, I have sadly learnt that in cancer land there is no point in envying anyone their situation. I have watched people be diagnosed initially curable at stage I, II or III, only to have the cancer metastasise and kill them quickly, while I with my stage IV diagnosis am still standing. It’s heartbreaking. We all deserve to survive.
That is my most fervent hope.